The "Sweetly Broken" Journey: October 2012

This was before marriage, before kids. Before paying rent and doing my own grocery shopping. Before 9/11. Before the future, the unknowns of life, went from exciting to scary. Before I knew what it felt like to be afraid of being the biggest failure on earth, to have panic attacks, to be afraid of getting up in the morning. Before anxiety made itself comfortable in my head, like an unwanted houseguest who ruins everything, takes up all your time and energy, and JUST ... WON'T ... LEAVE! This was before I knew what deep depression felt like, even though life was still rather good, when all you can do is stare out the window onto a yard of snow for hours at a time, praying the only prayer you can think of: "Dear Jesus, please come back and end it all. Just come back now and end it all." Before a different family member died each year, for several years in a row: my aunt, my biological father, my mother-in-law, my grandfather, my grandmother, my sister-in-law. Before my mother's three years of suicidal drinking, when she was in and out of the hospital on a regular basis. Before I understood why people commit suicide. And before my mother was arrested for the death of someone I knew. (The investigation into that has just started, years after I wrote this book. I'm just adding it as a little update. But like I said, this is before all of that, before I knew this stuff would be a part of my life, my journey. So that's a story for another day, another book. Maybe. But maybe not.)
This was back in the mid-90's, when life was simple and predictable and pleasant. When the most I had to worry about was making sure to put gas in my car before it hit empty. When the future was bright and sunny and wide-open, beckoning me with all sorts of promises of excitement and newness and fulfillment. I was twenty years old. Almost twenty-one. And I was going to the other side of the world in a huge leap of faith. It was a ten-week trip, my first summer away from home. Away from anything and anyone familiar. And I was confident and fearless, ready for just about anything.
I walked down the boarding ramp to the plane, plodding along in a tan shirt, a peach, ankle-length skirt, and a big, ugly pair of construction boots, tears springing to my eyes, but totally excited to be facing the unknown, the great wide open. But as I cast a last tearful glance back at my boyfriend who was waving good-bye at the gate, a tangible feeling of aloneness came over me. (I come from a family of eight. You never get a chance to feel alone in a family of eight.) And not just aloneness, but loneliness. I was all on my own in a way I had never been before. It was just me ... well, just me and God. I would leave home a girl and come back all grown up.

[FYI: This chapter is long and boring. I'm serious. Have you ever read through the phone book! Hold on, most people nowadays won't know what that is. How about the "terms and conditions" stuff on websites or when opening bank accounts or getting a credit card or things like that? Have you ever read that stuff? BORING! And long. That's how long and boring this is. So go ahead and skip it. You have my permission. All you really need to know is this: I went on a mission trip when I was a fresh-faced, optimistic, hopeful young-adult, and it grew me up in so many ways. I grew in my self-confidence and I grew in my faith. But I would later discover that I had a lot more growing to do and that my faith and confidence were not as hunky-dory as I thought. There! Now you can go right to chapter 2, if you don't want to read a really long, boring chapter. I'm serious, it's boring. So if you keep reading this, and you get to the end and think "Wow, that was long and boring! What a waste of time. And now I can never get those 17 hours of my life back again" ... don't say I didn't warn you. It'll be on you! (And in fact, this whole book is boring, completely self-indulgent on my part. And so once again, don't say I didn't warn you.)]

COM Ch 2: Fast Forward 13 Years or So

Chapter 2: Fast Forward Thirteen Years or So

I was having one of those moments - a moment that pushes you to your limit and threatens to break you. I had spent thirty-two years carefully constructing a world of comfort and contentment. (I didn’t plan the alliteration, but it does sound poetic, doesn’t it?) And this moment came out of nowhere. No warning, no preparation. In fact, I was probably the opposite of prepared.

It’s like a flower. If you plant a seed and grow it carefully protected from any wind, the stem won’t be strong. The slightest breeze could knock it over. But if it grows with the wind moving it back and forth, it is forced to grow a strong stem that can hold up in severe weather. I was a weak-stemmed flower.

COM Ch 3: More Than You Wanted to Know

Chapter 3: More Than You Wanted to Know

So you may be asking, “Who is this Heather and what gives her the authority to write this book?” (Or you may not be, so I’ll ask it for you.) In answer to the latter question: “Nothing!” I just felt like writing down some thoughts that kept circling around my pretty, little head. I don’t know everything or even part of everything when it comes to being a parent or a Christian or a spouse or a daughter or a person or anything. (Despite the many times that I may act like I do.) And I am not a Biblical scholar by any means, so nothing I say here is expert advice or “gospel truth” (unless it is actually the Gospel’s Truth). These are just my reflections on life and God and faith. And I invite you to listen to my thoughts, my fears, my struggles, and my unanswered questions. Now, I don’t know if anyone else will find my story as endlessly fascinating as I do, but here it is.

COM Ch 4: A New and Ugly Me

Chapter 4: A New and Ugly Me

All through high school, I never gave much thought to dating. In fact, I avoided it. I really only dated one wonderfully sweet guy for four months. But I didn’t have any feelings for him. I dated him because my mom liked him so much and made me go out with him. Which was precisely the reason why I broke up with him. (But honestly, Rodney, you were such a nice, sweet guy. I’m sorry for what I put you through. It wasn’t fair, and I wish you the best.)

Other than that, I only went on a very small handful of dates, and it was never with someone that I really liked. (Okay, it was two dates. Once to the homecoming dance and once to the fair along with a group of friends, so I don’t even know if you can call that a date.) If I really did have a severe crush on any guy, I would never let it turn into anything.

COM Ch 5: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage

Chapter 5: First Comes Love, Then Comes Marriage

Jason and I were getting married in a few months. And as a last hurrah, my mom offered to take me, Gina (my maid-of-honor), and Gina’s mom, Donna, on a cruise. We would get to spend some time in Ft. Lauderdale and then board a ship for a one-day trip to the Bahamas. I had never been to the Bahamas before or on a cruise. What a wonderful treat and a great way to finish out my single years! But it’s amazing how things don’t always go the way you plan!

COM Ch 6: Then Comes . . .

Chapter 6: Then Comes . . .

I married Jason a few weeks before I turned twenty-four. I was attending graduate school, and I was finally learning to relax and trust after working out my issues and my fears. I was enjoying setting up house for the two of us and learning to cook. Basically, I was just having fun being young. And I had clear plans for my future. I was going to get my counseling license. I was going to work a few years to pay down school loans. I was going to enjoy the unbridled freedom that comes with being on my own.

I was going to get a big surprise!

COM Ch 7: Lessons From the Battlefront

Chapter 7: Lessons From the Battlefront

Alright now! So, here I am - a mother of three little boys. I never did go back to work. (Yet, I have done nothing but work since they arrived.) Instead, I enlisted. I enlisted in the ranks of the sleep-deprived; the worn, ragged souls serving at the front lines of the battle. God bless them! I was neck deep in Motherhood. And the battle raged on, as it does in many homes around the world, between mother and child. Who would dominate? Who would rule? Sometimes the battle is too close to tell.

COM Ch 8: Lessons for Life

Chapter 8: Lessons for Life

That list of rules is a humorous one . . . humorous, but true. However, on a more serious note, there is another list of rules that I try to live by. These are beliefs that I have formed, though not executed perfectly, from things that I’ve read and by watching how people (including myself) interact with their kids. They are ones that you probably will see in some parenting books. They may not fit for you, but they do for me. (These do not include specifics or advice on discipline. There are numerous good books out there about that. These are just some general principles. And many of them also speak to how we should relate to all people, not just our children!)

COM Ch 9: The Final Frontier

Part II Growing Down

Chapter 9: The Final Frontier

Have you ever prepared a big holiday meal, say Thanksgiving? I host Thanksgiving every year for my husband’s family. And it’s always interesting! Even though it’s basically the same menu every year, things always happen a little differently.

One year, I woke up Thanksgiving morning at 6 a.m. to get the bird ready when I had my first bout of serious morning sickness. I have a chiropractic problem that causes a pinch in my neck when I’ve slept wrong, but only when I’m pregnant. And if I wake up with that pinch in my neck, I know that I will be tossing my cookies every half-hour and completely unable to do anything but lay still and try to rest my neck until the pinch goes away.

COM Ch 10: The Breaking Point

Chapter 10: The Breaking Point

Okay, so what was this terrible crisis of mine? What is this great trial that reduced me to rubble? The one I’ve been building up to this whole book? Chronologically speaking, this came before R.’s toddler years that I talked about in the last chapter. So I guess, those years weren’t pulling together all that picture-perfectly like I led you to believe. It’s more like I was desperately trying to pull all things together and maintain control over anything I could . . . because everything was on the verge of falling apart.

COM Ch 11: It Is What It Is!

Chapter 11: It Is What It Is!

The closest thing I ever had to a “daddy” was my step-dad #2, Bob. My biological father, Bill, was a good man, but he had his own life and his other kids. And I wasn’t a part of that life. I rarely heard from him or saw him, though it was enjoyable whenever I did. Step-dad #1, Tom, was my step-dad for a couple years. He, too, was a good man. But I stopped going to his house after I was thirteen years old, and we lost contact when I was in my late twenties. But Bob had been my dad for most of my life.

COM Ch 12: Adding One More to the Mix

Chapter 12: Adding One More to the Mix

This one really threw us for a loop! Now, when we got pregnant with D., it was a surprise, too. A good surprise! And the last two pregnancies were very planned. But we just weren’t ready for this one.

We had always said that we wanted four. That sounded like the perfect number. But my third one had really worn me down, as you already know by now. So I had started to think that ending with three sounded pretty good. I was just so exhausted and stretched thin.

But God had other plans! And I think, semi-unconsciously, so did I. And we got pregnant again. (I blame it on a mathematical error. And I realized it mere moments after “the act” when I went, “Wait? What is the date again?” And I ran to the calendar, recounted, and went, “Oh, crap!” I never was good at math!)

Big Stressor #3! (A good kind of stress, but still stress.)

COM Ch 13: Oh, Give Me a Home . . . Please

Chapter 13: Oh, Give Me a Home . . . Please

Deep down, I am a country girl at heart. Some people love the fast cities and meeting new people and big parties. Not me! I love the quiet country. I love the idea of a small town where neighbors know each other, where they get together for block parties (whatever happened to those?) and visits at one another’s houses (whatever happened to those?). For me, the epitome of homey and welcoming is a large front porch with a creaky swing on an old farm house where a small group of friends could chat over lemonade or apple pie. (In so many ways, I am an eighty-year-old trapped in a . . . uh-hmm . . . “young” woman’s body.)

COM Ch 14: The Heart of the Matter

Chapter 14: The Heart of the Matter

A few years back, I went to a family reunion at my grandparents’ farm, a great big barn dance. Good food, campfires, lots of people, my wonderful grandparents! Always a fun time. My biological father, Bill, was there with my two half-brothers and half-sister. He’s a musician and, during the barn dances, he plays his guitar for the crowd, singing old country songs.

During one song, he invited my half-brothers to come up with him and sing in the background. I sat there around the campfire holding one of my children and swaying to the music, listening to my half-brothers accompany my dad with “whaa-ooo-whaa-ooo-whaa-ooo.” It was peaceful. It was enjoyable. It was . . . disturbing.

COM Ch 15: From "Good, Adult Step-Child"...

Chapter 15: From “Good, Adult Step-Child”. . .

When I was about eighteen years old, I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom looking over some old letters from Bill, my biological father. Letters from my early teens, the first letters that I ever got from him. And for some reason, a thought popped into my head out of nowhere: I never got to go to a Daddy-Daughter dance. Without expecting it, a sense of loss and sadness swept over me that I had never felt before. (And I had been doing so good before that.)

This was a turning point in my life, a turn toward emptiness and longing. Before that, I was so happy-go-lucky, but this was the first time that I felt the pain left by the divorce. For the first time, I realized that I actually had a desire for a “daddy.” And that’s when it hit me that I had never even called anyone “Daddy”. . . Ever! And suddenly, there was a tangible ache in my heart. Having a relationship with several dads could never equal one whole daddy.

COM Ch 16: . . . To Child . . .

Chapter 16 . . . To Child . . .

Learning to be a child - after fighting it for so long - did not come naturally to me. While I was beginning to understand that I had been a step-child all those years, I was still a little unsure of how to be His child. What does being a child look like? God was showing me that honesty and transparency were a major part of it, but there was more. I needed to move from a relationship based on fear to one based on love. But how do you let others love you when you are used to protecting yourself from vulnerability and closeness?

COM Ch 17: . . . To Humbled.

Chapter 17 . . . To Humbled.

The first life-changing prayer in my room was when I began to really learn that complete honesty with Him is okay. Not just okay, but necessary. I was learning that nothing I say in honesty can separate me from His love and forgiveness. That transparency, especially about the painful things, brings me closer to His healing love. I didn’t have to bear the weight on my own, to keep a stiff upper-lip or be ashamed of the doubts and fears inside. I just had to admit them to Him and seek His comfort and truth.

COM Ch 18: The Desert

Part III Growing Faith

Chapter 18: The Desert

When I was a junior in college, I went on a week-long hiking trip in the Smoky Mountains. It was a college mission trip to clean up the paths as we hiked. And a group of about twenty of us took an overnight bus down. After we got there, we broke up into four teams that would all be hiking different paths. My team consisted of all tall people, except for me. I was the only five-footer (well, five feet and three-quarters of an inch) in a group of at least five-foot-eight-ers. My brand-new backpack and the sleeping bag that I wore on my back were about as big as I was and weighed about as much, at least a hundred pounds. (Ok, not that much. But close!) It was going to be a long week.

COM Ch 19: Blessed Be Your Name

Chapter 19: Blessed Be Your Name

Ten long years of waiting and we finally found the house that we had been looking for. After months and months of searching and praying and waiting through God’s silence, God brought us a good one. I had always wanted the opportunity to find a house where I could say, “This is it!” And when I saw it on-line, I had to say, “This is it!” Lord, You have been so good to us! Blessed be Your name!

COM Ch 20A: Your Will Be Done?

Chapter 20A: Your Will Be Done?

Over the two decades that I have been a Christian, I have tried really hard to learn Scriptural truths and to apply them to my life. I tried too hard. I was missing the forest for the trees. I ended up missing out on a rich, secure relationship with the Lord because I was too busy trying to do it right and meet His requirements. I was so afraid of the wrath of the Old Testament God that I couldn’t enjoy the love of the New Testament God.

And the Bible wasn’t a way to get near to Him and to enjoy getting to know Him, it was a “To Do” list. Do this, don’t do that, do that instead, do it again and do it right, and I’ll give you what you ask. But when things didn’t seem to be working out the way that I wanted, I ended up disappointed in God and confused about why my “faith” wasn’t working. I had thought that I was doing it right. What happened?

COM Ch 21: Digging Deep

Chapter 21: Digging Deep

By this point, it had been a couple years’ worth of waiting for God to bring us a house. I would even take an inkling of guidance in any direction. But there was none of that. Nothing but . . . well, nothing. We had found and then lost one house. We had severe mold issues in the downstairs of the rental and then got mold in an upstairs bedroom. (And, yes, I did notify the landlord, several times. But no one else seemed to smell it. And then when they did do something about it, it was done wrong. Twice!) So we were sleeping on separate floors just so we could fit, the boys on the downstairs floor with Jason, and me and J. in the boys’ bunk bed upstairs. We had stopped inviting company over because of all the boxes and the mold. And during the day, we would spend hours just sitting outside, trying to stay out of the house. My tonsils had become very swollen and rock hard, and my arms would go numb if I was in the back room too long. And still . . . we were getting no direction from God.

COM Ch 22: In Jesus' Name

Chapter 22: In Jesus’ Name

Okay, so how does someone like me - who was (or who, at times, still is) so self-sufficient, self-protected, and proud - end up desperately driven to prayer and God’s Word? As I read through my near-finished draft of this book, I realized that I was leaving something out; something that really helps explain why I have become so passionate about and committed to prayer and God’s Word, and how I have come to tenaciously cling to Jesus.

COM Ch 23: Keeping the Faith

Chapter 23: Keeping The Faith

Now, I’ve already looked at several very important ways to “keep the faith” when times get rough and the wait gets long. Prayer, Bible reading, praising God, being thankful, getting rid of expectations of how God should answer, focusing on our job today and letting God do His, embracing the fact that we are needy, helpless and dependent, etc. These are all ways to keep up our faith in the hard times. But there are more. And sometimes when the wait gets long, we need to use each and every last resource that God gives us to make it through.

COM Ch 24: Sweetly Broken (and Afterword)

Chapter 24: Sweetly Broken

You know the scenes in shows where a little girl is running toward her dad, and she jumps into his open, waiting arms. And he scoops her up and hugs her and cuddles her, while they are both smiling. And they both look just so happy. I have no idea how that feels. I’ve never done that before. The most I’ve ever had was a slightly awkward, slightly uncomfortable hug from a dad.

Child of Mine Fellowship Questions

Child of Mine Fellowship Questions

If you choose to read Child of Mine alongside other people and have “book club” meetings to discuss it, here are some questions to help the conversation along. I call them “fellowship” instead of “study” questions because this isn’t a book that you necessarily have to study. But I hope that it will encourage self-introspection, conversation and openness, deeper faith, and deeper relationships.

Through The Refining Fire: Your "Sweetly Broken" Journey (Introduction)

A heart-and-faith-changing workbook for those who like to read about someone else’s journey, think deeply about their own, ask the hard questions, challenge themselves, and journal.

(A Bible study “workbook” to help you find healing and wholeness in your walk with the Lord. “Sweetly Broken,” a favorite song of mine by Jeremy Riddle, is one of the inspirations behind this workbook, along with my own life story, found here. I am updating this workbook to make it a bit shorter, more concise, and with updated questions and Bible verses. The original version, if you want to see it, starts with this post. And, fyi, the black-to-gray color changes of the paragraphs are not intentional; I just can't figure out how to fix it.)

Introduction: Do You Want More?

In John 10:10, Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

Okay, now, let me ask this: How many of us really feel we are living our lives to the fullest? Lives that matter? Eternally-effective lives? I’m going to suspect most of us are just hoping to make it through the day so that we can fall exhausted into bed at night and then wake up tomorrow and do it all over again. We are overloaded, stretched-thin, and ready to break ... or we’re just plain bored. We feel alone, unimportant, fruitless, and overlooked. We go through the motions each day without any sense of deep joy or satisfaction or accomplishment. Does anything we do really matter? Is there more to life than this? Where is this abundant life we were promised, the love, peace, and joy? What does a “full life” even look like?

Through The Refining Fire Piece 1: The Desire to be Broken

Psalm 51:17: “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”

Okay, if you are still reading this then I assume you have a genuine desire to seek humility, or at least you’re curious about it. And the first step to this is seeing your need for it and desiring it, so you’re already on your way!

During this step, all you really need to do is pray. It doesn’t need to follow any specific words, just tell God of your desire to be humbled. (There’s a sample prayer at the end of this section.) He doesn’t need fancy words or long prayers, but He does need us to open our hearts to Him. He needs our invitation. He needs our willingness to change.

Through The Refining Fire Piece 2: Honesty with Yourself and the Lord

Proverbs 12:22: “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in men who are truthful.”

Matthew 5:8: “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.”

Pure. Free from impurities. Impurities pollute what is true and genuine and good. And what pollutes a true, genuine, good relationship with the Lord (and pollutes even our own lives) are deceptions and lies. Hiding the truth or hiding from the truth. Deliberately living a lie or unconsciously agreeing with one. These keep us from being able to really see, know, and experience God. Because lies are from Satan. But if we will live honestly before God, in truth, we will know Him (and ourselves) as were meant to. And the truth shall set us free!

Through the Refining Fire Piece 3: Learning to Listen and Be Still

Psalm 46:10: “Be still and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”

This is one of my all-time favorite verses. I’m working on a goal right now to find my top five “life verses,” and this is one of them. And it’s funny because when I was in high school, I went to a Christian retreat, and this was the key verse for the week, and all I could think was, How boring! What a boring verse to use to inspire, challenge, and “activate” the teens for Christ. Be still? Blah!

But now, this verse has become so dear to me, so I guess I’ve come full circle. To me, this verse is all about humility. A humbled person is one who’s learned to trust in God’s goodness, love, and faithfulness so much that despite the storms that rage around them, they can “be still” because He is God. A humbled person desperately desires to be near the Lord, to bask in His presence, and so they’ve learned the importance of being physically and mentally still with the Lord at times. And a humbled person also knows that everything is about God’s glory and that no matter what happens, at the end of it all, He will be exalted!

Oh, I love this verse!!!

Through The Refining Fire Piece 4: Radical Obedience

Of all the pieces, I think this is one of the most important. I’m not saying this like God necessarily needs our obedience or else He’ll be at a helpless loss (He’ll find other ways to get His Will done), but because it says the most about our relationship with God, and it totally affects the path our lives take. Whether we obey or not is an indication of if we listen to Him, if we know His Word, if we love Him and trust Him and have really made Him God of our lives, and if we’ll get His blessings … or not.

“But I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you.” (Jeremiah 7:23)

“…‘Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it.’” (Luke 11:28)

“If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father’s commands and remain in his love.” (John 15:10)

“We are witnesses of these things, and so is the Holy Spirit, whom God has given to those who obey him.” (Acts 5:32, emphasis added)

“This is love for God: to obey his commands....” (1 John 5:3)

Through The Refining Fire Piece 5: Word of God

Raise your hand if you feel like reading the Bible is a bit unnecessary. superfluous, like it’s extra-credit, something for when you need a boost or want brownie points with God or need to get out of a mess. Now, how many of you didn’t raise your hand but should have?

Many Christians have no problem letting their Bibles sit on the shelf for extended periods of time. They pick it up occasionally for a little “God boost,” but they don’t feel a deep need for it. They read about God in the pages but don’t meet Him in the pages. They read about other people’s stories in the Bible but don’t see themselves in the stories. They think the Bible is “good advice” but don’t realize it’s also the “sword of the Spirit” (Ephesian 6:17). And so the Word isn’t as alive or meaningful to them as it should be. It’s just a “good book.”

It’s one thing to read about God in the Bible, but it’s another to desperately reach for Him through it. It’s one thing to simply read a verse, but it’s another to ask God what it means for your life today. It’s one thing to read verses about fighting against evil and Satan, but it’s another to speak them out loud during times of spiritual warfare. It’s one thing to read about the Israelites wandering the desert thousands of years ago, to scoff at their unfaithfulness and ungratefulness, to think “You fools deserved it” when God punished them … but it’s another to walk with them, to stand with them at the foot of the mountain as they trembled at the voice of God, to understand their fears of dying and being attacked by enemies, and to be humbled by the fact that we often do the same things they got in trouble for (complaining, not trusting God, creating our own gods) when we’re in our own “desert” times. (We’re no different from them.)

In our day and age of being too familiar with God and His Word, we have lost the sense of awe (the proper fear) of God, His Word, His Truth. We’ve heard these stories again and again. They’re so common that they’re boring. And in our apathy towards God’s Word, we fail to grasp the truth it reveals about who we really are, who God really is, what’s really going on, and how it applies to us in practical and spiritual ways.

If we think the Bible is just a “good book,” then we don’t understand it at all!

Through The Refining Fire Piece 6: Importance of Prayer

(This will be long! Lots to talk about.) Do you think prayer actually does anything? I mean, honestly, do you think it affects what happens in life or makes a difference? Or do you think, as many Christians do, that it’s just a formality, that it’s simply to show our dependence on God but it doesn’t really do anything because God’s already planned everything He’s gonna do?

I used to wonder about prayer: what it was, what it accomplished, how it worked. I used to think that since God is all-knowing and all-powerful then He didn’t really need our prayers, that He’d just do what He’s gonna do, with or without our prayers. So what good were they, other than helping us connect with Him and show our reliance on Him?

Job 42:8: “... My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer ...” This is the verse that cracked it all wide open for me. In this chapter, God planned to forgive Job’s friends for speaking wrong of Him. It was His Will, what He wanted to have happen. But He required Job to pray for it, and He waited for Job’s prayer before He accomplished His plan. This verse taught me one of the main reasons for prayer: it gets God’s Will done.

Through The Refining Fire Piece 7: Correct View of You

Few of us escape childhood without at least a few heart-wounds. And many of us come from broken, hurting, unstable pasts that leave us full of insecurities, fears, and doubts, damaging our self-esteems, self-views, sense of self-worth. And this interferes with our relationships with others, causing us to interpret things wrongly sometimes, to read into things, to miscommunicate, to use defense mechanisms to protect ourselves from more harm and to keep everyone an arm’s length away from our fragile hearts, from the broken pieces. We don’t let others get too close. We’ve learned to not trust them, to not rely on them, to not need them, to not allow ourselves to be loved by them. “It would just hurt us anyway.” And without realizing it, some of us end up sabotaging relationships, friendships, or marriages in various ways, such as these:

Through The Refining Fire Piece 8: Correct View of God

One reason I so strongly stress the need to be in the Word regularly is because that’s where we find out who God really is. And if we are not seeing/relating to God as He is - as He’s revealed Himself to be in His Word – then we’re doing it out of our own ideas, misconceptions, and assumptions, usually stemming from our broken pasts and broken hearts. We just don’t realize it. But if we continue to do this - if we don’t correct our unhealthy views and unhealthy ways of relating to Him – then our relationship with Him will be stunted, shallow, damaged. Our hearts will remain wounded. Our paths will stay crooked. And we’ll probably be living in fear.

1 John 4:15-18: “If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in him and he in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love.... There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”

Through The Refining Fire Piece 9: A Time of Waiting

Ironically, it seems that the greatest times of growth in our faith happen in times of pain and when God is frustratingly silent, when we feel like nothing’s happening and like we’re the biggest failures at prayer. And I think this is how God made it to be. A seed doesn’t grow unless it’s hidden underground for awhile, in the dark where no one can see it, where its shell softens enough to crack open to send out its first pair of leaves. A flower stem or tree trunk won’t grow strong unless the wind batters it back and forth, toughening up the cells so that it can stand up in harsh weather. Leaves of a houseplant – raised in the still, gentle air of a cozy, warm home – cannot survive outdoors unless they go through a process of being gradually introduced to rougher outdoor conditions which helps them grow thicker and develop the waxy coating needed to protect them from harsh wind and burning sunlight. In plants, growth can only happen in times of “harsher” treatment, when they encounter discomfort, hardship, and “pain.”

Likewise, spiritual growth – the toughening up of our faith - doesn’t usually happen in times of ease and comfort, of being pampered. During the good, easy, happy times, we just end up focusing on our happiness, on enjoying life. We get comfortable, lazy, and self-focused. And we forget God. If there are no trials or hardships, then there’s no reason to change, to grow, to adjust our priorities, to develop our faith more, to need God.

Through The Refining Fire Pieces 10 and 11: Looking Back and Going Forward

For all the posts in this series, click here.

Piece Ten: Looking Back on the Journey

There are no guaranteed results from this trip through the furnace. (In case you missed it, the first post of this “workbook” is “Through the Refining Fire: Intro.”) It all has to do with your willingness to be honest, transparent, and obedient, and with how much you invested in self-introspection, prayer, Bible reading, and learning to listen to the Spirit.

And once again, there is no real end to this journey. I would love to be able to say, “Congratulations on working your way through the Graduate School of Faith. Here is your diploma.” But that can’t happen. Because we will never graduate until eternity comes for us.

But as you climb higher and dig deeper with the Lord - as you shift your focus from the temporary to God’s kingdom and His righteousness. - your life will become more vibrant, alive, and fulfilling. It might still be painful, but it will be a bittersweet pain, knowing that God is with you through it all.

And most likely, we will end up in the furnace again from time to time. We will slip. We will at times get tired of digging and climbing. (Oh, don’t I know it!) But we will be drawn back to God, because we know the blandness of life apart from Him and the exhaustion of trying to do it on our own.

Before we get into some ideas for future challenges, I would like to pose a few more questions for reflecting back on the whole journey that you have been on up to this point. (Some of these will overlap, but that’s okay.)

Why These Books Are Free!

Why These Books Are Free!

So why did I decide to put this book on-line for free? Especially when, by doing so, I don’t get any income from it? I want to take a moment to explain some of the conflicting feelings that I had when deciding whether to put this book out there for free or to seek publication so that it could get sold in bookstores. And you’ll see why this issue is so important to me in a moment.

About Me:

I am just a woman who loves the Lord - a licensed counselor (who chose to stay home instead and raise my children), a loving wife, and a blessed, tired, stretched-thin, homeschooling mother. (But I wouldn't trade it for anything.) I am passionate about gardening, healthy eating and healthy living, and doing the best I can to glorify God and help others find His truth, healing, and love.

I have been a Christian for almost 3 decades now, and I have a lot of head knowledge about God and the Bible. But it wasn't until I went through a long time of testing - the refining "furnace of trials" - that I was able to let His love deep into the broken parts of my heart to heal them fully. It was this process that taught me what it means to be a "sweetly broken" child of God. I wrote all about that journey in Child of Mine and Through the Refining Fire, which are in the October posts.

The November posts contain some of the things that I learned as a result of my journey, particularly about God's Will. I did not know this stuff as I was writing my life story, so it's a little backwards to put it first. But I know that not everyone will want to read about my life, so I put the lessons that I learned up front. There is also a Bible Study that I wrote for mature Christians, in the hopes that it helps you sharpen each other as believers and deepen your friendships.

And the September posts are just for fun. There are posts on questions to ask God, questions to ask each other, and why we eat what we do, things that I learned about eating healthy.

It is my hope that God can use my journey to help others on theirs. Take care and God bless!

- Heather

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Monday, October 29, 2012

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Friday, October 26, 2012

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Monday, October 22, 2012

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Friday, October 19, 2012

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Monday, October 15, 2012

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Friday, October 12, 2012

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Monday, October 8, 2012

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Friday, October 5, 2012