In Child of Mine (at
sweetlybrokengirl.blogspot.com), I wrote all about my insecurities and fears
and about how they affected my relationships with people and with God. But the thing is, I know that my story isn’t
any different from so many other people’s stories. Many, many of us come from broken, hurting
pasts. And so we all carry around scars
and defense mechanisms, and we have walls that we put up for
self-protection. Walls that keep people
and God an arm’s length away.
1. Sometimes, we sabotage ourselves from the beginning by reaching out to the wrong people. We pursue people who are unavailable. That way we never have to risk a real relationship where we might get our hearts broken. (This was my way.) We settle for superficial relationships and small talk, so that we don’t invest too much into other people and they don’t have to invest too much in us (especially because we don’t feel worth their time or their attention). We make it easy to leave. We don’t want them to feel like they have to be bothered with us. We don’t get too close or real with others because they might become disappointed with our real selves and then they would reject us. It doesn’t hurt as bad to lose someone who we never let get too close.
I’m sure that the answer for “why” laid deep in her past somewhere. And if she could pinpoint it, she might be able to realize that she herself is not some unexplainable, worthless, irrational mess. She developed these tendencies because her past created a damaging self-view. And instead of allowing herself to accept God’s love and forgiveness as gifts, she remained a prisoner of her past and her self-view.
22. If I could yell something about myself from the mountaintops or if I wrote a sign to wear around my neck which contained everything I wish others knew about me, things that I wish I could tell others but don’t, what would it say? (Tell all this to God. He cares and He will listen.)